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September 30, 2009

Having Mentors

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Written by DJ Fuji         Topics: General

I actually started writing this post months ago but just finished it up now. It’s on having mentors and why it’s important to your development. Hope you guys get something out of it.


Montreal

Montreal

June 2009

So I just finished my San Diego “Core Fundamentals” boot camp on Sunday, going ‘til 1am (yeah, we went over schedule a bit) and I’m currently typing this in the back of a cab in Montreal, Quebec. Canada is so much like the U.S. that I’m consistently surprised when they ask for my passport. I forgot who said this, but I heard once that Canada is just America with free health insurance. And recycling. Lots and lots of recycling. It’s like San Francisco except people say “out” very strange. We say “out” like “ow-t.” They say it like “ooot.” Listen to Mystery and [Read More]

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Written by DJ Fuji         Topics: General

Posting From: NYC

Got into NYC last night and witnessed the busiest Whole Foods I’ve EVER seen. 3 floors, probably 350 people, 50-some checkout registers, and a cashier who told me, “oh this is light for us, usually we have people outside waiting in line to come in.”

Recession my ass.

NYC is my 3rd stop so far on the nationwide tour. First stop was Sacramento, followed by DC. I love Sacramento. Well, let me clarify. I love the city’s [Read More]

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Written by DJ Fuji         Topics: General

So it occurred to me that one of the great things about transatlantic flights (especially from California to Europe) is that the lack of internet access for up to 12 hours means your laptop now lacks the endless distraction we call the internet and you HAVE to get stuff done. Well, either that or play Street Fighter 4. Not that I would ever partake in such geeky hobbies. *ahem* Let’s just say I didn’t get as much done on the plane trip over here as I would have liked. On the bright side, I’m now pretty good at focus attack combos. 🙂

So for those of you guys who aren’t on my facebook (feel free to friend request me) or Youtube, you might not have seen the PUA Impressions video I put up a few weeks ago. Basically a bunch of us Psych was doing some absolutely brilliant PUA Impressions at The 21 Convention and [Read More]

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August 20, 2009

Quick update from Europe

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Written by DJ Fuji         Topics: General,News,Training

Wanted to drop in real quick and update everyone on things to come.

I’m currently in Germany for a student’s wedding. I had coached this guy a few years back on a 1-on-1 and he ended up SNLing during the training… and it eventually turned into a marriage. He’s from Germany so he flew me out here for the wedding to say ‘thank you.’ Very cool guy.

Germany is awesome despite the $35/day extortion fees to get on the internet. And the fact that I have to lie to everyone at the wedding as to how I know the groom. 🙂 I’m just glad I don’t drive here. My friend went to the gas station earlier and it cost him around $90 to fill the tank on a [Read More]

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Written by DJ Fuji         Topics: General

So I finally found some time to sit down and write about The 21 Convention. In a nutshell, it was absolutely amazing. I had heard good things about the convention from prior years, but this was my first year both attending and speaking. I think one of the things I liked the most about it was that it encompassed a similar philosophy as my training:

“In order to be attractive, you have to work on all aspects of yourself.”

Dream got some of the best speakers in the industry [Read More]

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Written by DJ Fuji         Topics: General

Lance from Dating and Relationship site HoneyAndLance.com recently interviewed me after seeing me speak at the 21 Convention.

Note: Yes, more pictures and videos of the convention are coming. I took several hours of video and I somehow thought it’d be a great idea to teach myself how to digitally edit video before I posted them. Suffice to say, it’s not exactly a smash and grab process.

We talked about my involvement in the community and what I see coming in the future, both in terms of my own contributions and the industry in general. I got a chance to highlight some of the guys that have really influenced my own development, and we talked about [Read More]

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Written by DJ Fuji         Topics: Life Coaching,News,Self Improvement

Earlier today my friend Dan sent me a link / also here to a really sad story about George Sodini, a 48-year-old-man who took his own life after killing several people and injuring many more at an LA Fitness Gym in Pittsburgh.

“Sure that’s sad and all,” you might say, “but what does that have to do with me?”

The thing is, Sodini had more in common with a lot of us than we’d like to believe. Most psychologists are saying he wasn’t a deranged serial killer who lacked any moral compass. Nor was he a psychotic lunatic that spent his days sniffing glue and eating paint.

No, George Sodini was simply an AFC. An Average, Frustrated, Chump. A very lonely, depressed, AFC. Note: For those of you who aren’t regular readers here, “AFC” is simply the term we use in the dating coaching community to describe a frustrated individual who is tired of being single. It is not meant to be disparaging.

Maybe Sodini was older and more lonely and more psychotic than most of us, but I suspect not. I suspect that he simply lacked one thing. The one thing that this community gave me when I found it.

Hope.

Hope, and the idea that society was wholly incorrect and that I did not in fact have to just accept that I would always remain at the bottom of the social pecking order.

I’m no psychologist, but I’ll bet that Sodini was less of a psycho and more a man who had simply given up because it seemed hopeless. Most of us can certainly relate to that feeling. He recounts his feelings and plans on his blog (I have a cached copy if that link to abcnews gets taken down), and I can’t help but think that all of this sounds very familiar. A computer programmer who doesn’t believe in himself and lacks the social skills to meet and attract women. That hits a bit too close to home. It’s disturbing because I’d like to believe that someone who could cause this much destruction is a monster who has nothing in common with me.

December 24, 2008:

“Moving into Christmas again. No girlfriend since 1984, last Christmas with Pam was in 1983. Who knows why. I am not ugly or too weird. No sex since July 1990 either (I was 29). No shit! Over eighteen years ago. And did it maybe only 50-75 times in my life. Getting to think that a woman now would just, uh, get in the way of things. Isolated. I have extra money and enjoy traveling, too, wtih my 25-30 days of vacation. LA was the best! But going alone is not too fun. Invited to a party on Christmas day tomorrow. Seems about 15-25 people will actually show. I like her parties; I can meet new people and talk. Got the next 8 days off. I should have exit plan done and practiced by then. I know nothing will change, no matter how hard I try or what goals I set.”

That doesn’t sound like the rantings of a psychotic lunatic hell-bent on revenge. Rather, it sounds more like the field reports and journals that get posted to our forums every day.

I remember feeling those pangs of unrequited love and crying my eyes out at the thought that there was nothing I could do about it. I remember being lonely. I remembering being depressed. I remember it like it was yesterday.

And perhaps if any one of us had not found the support of the community to help us through this part of our lives, maybe we would have turned out just like Sodini.

Don’t get me wrong. What he did was a horrific, awful act that all of us — me especially — wish we could have prevented. But the thing is, I think this was preventable, and not by shooting him before he shot those people, either. I think this was avoidable because I’ve had guys just like Sodini in my workshops and seminars. Because I’ve had guys who have told me through tears that they were on the verge of suicide — actually standing on a bridge about to jump off — and that were it not for the community, they would have done it.

And we’ve all been at Lair Meetings where there are 100 guys that are all feeling these same things. Hell, I might have been another Sodini had I not found the community. So instead of judging this man and disassociating ourselves from his plight, let us instead seek to understand and make sure that this never happens again.

“Result is I am learning basics by trial and error in my 40s, followed by discouragement. Seems odd, but that’s true. Writing all this is helping me justify my plan and to see the futility of continuing. Too embarrassed to tell anyone this, at almost 50 one is expected to just know these things.” –George Sodini

As individuals, we see guys like Sodini all the time. He could be your friend. Your brother. Your co-worker. Your son. Your “wingman.” But oftentimes we see the warning signs and we ignore them. Or we dismiss it as “angst,” or “he just needs to relax and be himself.” Even those of us who are actively seeking to improve our dating and relationship lives sometimes see the Sodini’s of the world and think, “not my problem.” I’ve been plenty guilty of that myself, and I’m a coach. But as the famous saying goes (arguably credited to English philosopher Edmund Burke), “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

So the next time you come across someone like Sodini, resist the temptation to look down upon him. And if you’re realizing this feeling of despair and hopelessness describes you, do not be afraid to seek help. Society will have you believe that this makes you a kook, a nutjob, and potentially a criminal. But I can tell you for a fact that all of us have felt that at some time or another. There is no shame in asking for help or in being proactive about improving your dating or relationship life. On the contrary, bottling all of that up only causes it to fester into hate or rage, and we’ve just seen the long term effects of that.

This is why I take my job very seriously. Some people may mock that belief, saying that it’s not that serious– that we’re just teaching guys how to get laid. But I vehemently disagree. I believe that as coaches, gurus, and instructors, we are not merely dating coaches. We are LIFE coaches. We are people who not only need to be able to holistically change and improve a person’s life, but we also need to lead by example.

And so in addition to this being a call to action for individuals and for society as a whole, it is also a call to action for fellow coaches and instructors. It is a call to action to genuinely CARE about your students and to really understand just how much we can change and influence someone’s life. In my opinion, that is not a task to be taken lightly.

Finally, for those of you who are struggling with this self-improvement process and possibly becoming discouraged, keep your head up and don’t ever give up. Because the rewards are worth it. They’re worth every drop of blood, sweat, and tears you put into this. Just remember that ultimately, it’s up to you. You and you alone are responsible for your life and your destiny. Dream big and go after it. Don’t wait around for luck or chance or for the shining white knight. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Shallow men believe in luck; wise and strong men believe in cause and effect!”.

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